A Practical Approach

The concepts of Boobism can be translated to life beyond survival, evolution, and philosophical dogmas. It can be applied to virtually every aspect of life, and is thus a powerful tool for bettering oneself and taking life (and happiness) to the next level.

American Football is an excellent example of this. As a player in one of the “skill positions” of football, holding onto the ball is of the utmost importance. A fumble or a dropped pass can result in the loss of the game or being pelted with large, hardened balls of bulldog butt drippings by angry and disheartened fans. This is where a Boobist can thrive.

You must treat the ball as if it were a pair of boobs. Cradle it, use soft hands, and don’t let it touch the ground. Treat the ground as if it is an evil anti-boob lava of doom, waiting for its chance to consume all of the glorious boobies of the world in an insidious craving of hatred. Treat opposing players as if they are boob-pillaging yetis, and keep your sacred leather boob away from them. When catching the ball, stay focused! Treat the ball as if it is the most important bust you have ever seen. Bring it into your chest and secure it. Do not treat the ball like it is an enormous, smelly penis that is spraying a vast amount of sweat through the air as it spirals towards your waiting grasp. This will lead only to dropped passes and awkward moments. Cherish that ball as you would cherish boobs, and bring it home. Remember, the ball must be treated like a set of boobs from the Heavens, not an angry, pungent pile of dicks.

Imagine if Terrell Owens had understood this philosophy. He might have been worth more than a bucket of Lisa Lampanelli’s mustache hairs. In fact, there are a great number of players that have been made up more of ego than talent. Perhaps if they embraced this thought process, they could have proven themselves worthy of their overpriced paychecks.

Disciples may find the principles of Boobism in all aspects of life. Whether it is sports, a zombie holocaust, or simply a trip to the zoo, boobs are all around you, and they can guide you to the Promised Land (or at least various entertaining moments).