For too long, women have struggled with the issue of body image. What is deemed ideal or acceptable in society is often dictated by what the media shovels forth without due regard for those who are adversely affected. As a result, many women are left feeling inadequate and unattractive. While the Church of Boobism has maintained the viewpoint that all women are acceptable creatures, and that it is the preference of the individual that should reign supreme, the arrogant spittle of popular media has steered the masses towards unrealistic, often impossible goals. While Boobism cannot mend the ways of the world, it can remind its followers that there is value in us all. Certainly, some individuals that roam the Earth are horrid, despicable creatures, but this idea seems to lean more on their personalities and less on their looks. Even a wrinkly, dandruff-ridden, one-legged and one-nostrilled fart salesman can find love if he is kind and has a good sense of humor. An overflowing wallet helps as well, but you get the point. Do not fall prey to the ideals of bullshit television. Do not open your mind to individuals who spend three hours in hair and makeup before telling you about “natural beauty.” Stand firm in the belief that, if you live a healthy and happy life, then you are worthy of being pictured on the cover of Vogue magazine…or at least the back cover of a Ross catalogue. The Church of Boobism has pondered this issue for some time, and we have come up with a list of improvements that could reshape the world and support the idea that beauty is not limited to one shape or size:
1. Build a “Big Titty Depot,” which specializes in clothing and dresses that actually fit over boobs.
2. Tell news and gossip shows to stop worrying about who is hot or not, and focus on MMA and baked goods instead.
3. Tell the Kardashians to fuck off, because it does not happen enough.
4. Look at ten different kinds of boobs each day in order to acclimate yourself to diversity.
5. Compliment yourself…but not in public because you will come across as somewhere between “not well” and “weird Aunt Doris.”
6. Compliment others…just do not do it while licking your lips. There is something infinitely creepy about L.L. Cool J.
7. Feel good about yourself. If you are feeling down, unsure, or inadequate, make a change. It is your life and you should enjoy it.
8. Be kind. Until, of course, someone is unkind to you. Then feel free to piss in their shoes without mercy.
9. Remember that there are a lot of healthy body types, and really only two unhealthy ones. You have a lot of wiggle room
10. Love boobs, for it is the Boobist way. It is our sincere hope that this list assists followers in living their lives with more confidence and compassion. While this is not a solution to the problem, it is a method of evolving into a better you.
Thank you.