In case you, Brave Reader, were not aware, midterm elections have come and gone and have proven once again that we as a collective American consciousness are about as skilled at critical thinking as a pile of old dandruff flakes. How dare I, you say? This was the most important election in the history of this country, you say? To me, this felt more like a playoff game in some weird sport full of players with fake smiles, wrinkly butt holes, and trendy talking points than it did an election. Our political system has slowly evolved into a practice of figuring out which team you want to play for, and then carpet-bombing social media with misconstrued statistics and declarations that the other team is full of terribly bad, no good people. Oh, and don’t forget to vote for anyone with your team name printed next to their picture. Remember, their views, history, and opinions don’t matter as long as the other team never wins. Great fucking system everyone!
How exactly did we get here? How did we reach a moment where we do not simply find ourselves on opposing sides of an issue, but on a death train where every different opinion is a break in the track, and the only foreseeable conclusion is a fiery death in a pit of giant semen-breathing dragon pandas? How did every single disagreement become a perceived assault by an opposition that wishes only to steal your freedoms and drown you in a sea of whatever “ism” you decide to project upon them. This has become our America, and this old bitch needs a Band-Aid and a nice blended margarita.
Gone is the age of understanding! Gone is the age of reason! Gone is the age of discussion! Say goodbye to the age of spirited debate! We have entered a new era, where the individual with a different opinion is clearly a racist, homophobic, sexist, fascist, communist, snowflake libtard with a sick sexual appetite for dogs with fat heads and an irrational hatred of retro Polly Pocket play sets (god damn white cis-gender male bastards).
Everything is labeled with the most diabolical name tag possible in order to have individual arguments dismissed as automatically evil and deconstructive. What if I were to tell you that most people probably have a rational reasoning behind their beliefs that is not rooted in hatred or disdain for particular groups of people? What if I were to tell you that most people are not out to steal your country, but to make it better? What if I were to tell you that open-mindedness, discussion, and informed, transparent political participation would help us as a people come together in order to find the best possible path for our country? Why, you would probably lob a rude, dismissive name my way like a sack of dirty vaginas at an Ed Sheeran concert. “Oh, that Sir Chase…he makes offensive and inappropriate jokes. He must love Hitler. I heard he has a rubber mold of Hitler’s taint on his wall.”
Yep. You got me.
The end of this road is not in sight, but I am fearful of where it might lead. I do not wish to ride this screaming eagle to its death. I do not wish to see Lady Liberty on the side of the road, broken and smelling of broccoli and crushed dreams. There is but one solution I see, and it is the only realistic conclusion to this wave of bigotry and hatred that has invaded our country from all sides of the political spectrum.
An orgy. A big fucking orgy.
We need a gathering where everyone from both the right and the left can get some food and drinks (maybe at a Dave & Buster’s or something) and then just bang it out. Bang it out until everything is covered in the warm sex fluids of freedom! Let the juices of ‘Merica flow free until only Old Glory can stand in its slippery wake! Let’s join pee-pees and vee-vees in unity, and move on to better days. This is how we make America great again.
Thank you for listening.
-Sir Chase, 2018