Tag: comedy

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Unite America (A Theory)

In case you, Brave Reader, were not aware, midterm elections have come and gone and have proven once again that we as a collective American consciousness are about as skilled at critical thinking as a pile of old dandruff flakes. How dare I, you say? This was the most important election in the history of this country, you say? To me, this felt more like a playoff game in some weird sport full of players with fake smiles, wrinkly butt holes, and trendy talking points than it did an election. Our political system has slowly evolved into a practice of figuring out which team you want to play for, and then carpet-bombing social media with misconstrued statistics and declarations that the other team is full of terribly bad, no good people. Oh, and don’t forget to vote for anyone with your team name printed next to their picture. Remember, their views, history, and opinions don’t matter as long as the other team never wins. Great fucking system everyone!

How exactly did we get here? How did we reach a moment where we do not simply find ourselves on opposing sides of an issue, but on a death train where every different opinion is a break in the track, and the only foreseeable conclusion is a fiery death in a pit of giant semen-breathing dragon pandas? How did every single disagreement become a perceived assault by an opposition that wishes only to steal your freedoms and drown you in a sea of whatever “ism” you decide to project upon them. This has become our America, and this old bitch needs a Band-Aid and a nice blended margarita.

Gone is the age of understanding! Gone is the age of reason! Gone is the age of discussion!  Say goodbye to the age of spirited debate! We have entered a new era, where the individual with a different opinion is clearly a racist, homophobic, sexist, fascist, communist, snowflake libtard with a sick sexual appetite for dogs with fat heads and an irrational hatred of retro Polly Pocket play sets (god damn white cis-gender male bastards).

Everything is labeled with the most diabolical name tag possible in order to have individual arguments dismissed as automatically evil and deconstructive. What if I were to tell you that most people probably have a rational reasoning behind their beliefs that is not rooted in hatred or disdain for particular groups of people? What if I were to tell you that most people are not out to steal your country, but to make it better? What if I were to tell you that open-mindedness, discussion, and informed, transparent political participation would help us as a people come together in order to find the best possible path for our country? Why, you would probably lob a rude, dismissive name my way like a sack of dirty vaginas at an Ed Sheeran concert. “Oh, that Sir Chase…he makes offensive and inappropriate jokes. He must love Hitler. I heard he has a rubber mold of Hitler’s taint on his wall.”

Yep. You got me.

The end of this road is not in sight, but I am fearful of where it might lead. I do not wish to ride this screaming eagle to its death. I do not wish to see Lady Liberty on the side of the road, broken and smelling of broccoli and crushed dreams. There is but one solution I see, and it is the only realistic conclusion to this wave of bigotry and hatred that has invaded our country from all sides of the political spectrum.

An orgy. A big fucking orgy.

We need a gathering where everyone from both the right and the left can get some food and drinks (maybe at a Dave & Buster’s or something) and then just bang it out. Bang it out until everything is covered in the warm sex fluids of freedom! Let the juices of ‘Merica flow free until only Old Glory can stand in its slippery wake! Let’s join pee-pees and vee-vees in unity, and move on to better days. This is how we make America great again.

Thank you for listening.

-Sir Chase, 2018

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History Lesson

The faith of Boobism (that is, the philosophy and its beliefs) has been present in human society since we first stood upright and scratched our crotches in contentment. The Church and this site may have a date of birth, but the birth of Boobism occurred the very moment mankind realized the true power of boobs. Everything since then has been an elaborate scheme to please them in one way or another. Every decision, every drive, and every moment has been consciously or subconsciously carried out with the intention of eventually being able to make boobs happy. One fact remains the same as humankind adapts and evolves: Man needs boobs. Humankind needs boobs.

As with most important and life changing developments, the lessons and philosophies of Boobism have been stifled and oppressed by those with power since long before this belief system was ever put into words. Political and religious leaders have done their best to maintain the status quo and uphold a public image of superiority and all-knowing power. Their goal has been to create a world of mindless, droning worker bees that are willing to follow every word that dribbles from their false faces onto the sweaty, hairy belly button of the Earth. This is to happen no more. Never again shall the Church of Boobism be metaphorically molested by the cold, clammy hands of oppression. Never again will it be forced to stand idle while the evil Dr. Government staples its balls to its legs. Never again will it be pinned to the floor by a money-hoarding religious institution that is hungry for innocence and crackers. From now on, Boobism is taking a stand.

In April of 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was scheduled to address the nation in Washington DC regarding a relatively unknown, peaceful philosophy known as Boobism. This was an attempt to further unite a still-divided country with the belief that all men could stand together in the warm, loving sunshine of boobs. With this idea in mind, Lincoln hoped that opposing viewpoints could walk hand in hand across the country with a revamped idea of Manifest Destiny. Unfortunately, Lincoln’s speech was never heard, for as he watched a play that night with his wife, he was assassinated by John Wilkes Boothe. Boothe was a rebel who believed that all boobs should be banished to Greenland and that mashed potatoes and the slavery of blacks and squirrels should be a national policy. Boothe was once quoted as saying that he “would be damned if some tall-hatted beard face was going to ruin his country with breasticulation.” As Lincoln laid there, blood spewing from his head wound, he clutched his wife’s left breast and whispered, “Do not let Boobism be forgotten.” Of course, she had a very poor memory when she was drunk, and his last words were never followed.

Lincoln was not the only President of the United States that paid for his belief in the wonderful Church of Boobism. John F Kennedy was perhaps the greatest Boobist of the 1950’s and 1960’s until he was shot down by thirteen anti-Boobist assassins in Dallas, Texas in 1963. Led by Lee Harvey Oswald, The Wiener Brigade was a militia created by the former Communist turned anti-boob madman Oswald with the sole mission of destroying the advance of Boobism and Western ideals. As Kennedy’s motorcade advanced through Dealey Plaza, Oswald and twelve other members of The Wiener Brigade opened fire on President Kennedy. Fortunately for the President, Oswald’s militia was heavily underfunded and most of its members were armed with tree branches and used sugar packets. Unfortunately, the President’s brains still ended up on the back of his vehicle and the faith of Boobism was stifled again.

The Oklahoma City Bombing, The People’s Temple, the Vietnam War, the Twilight movies…all events committed with the intention of oppressing the Church of Boobism and the rise of its disciples. Even the Boobists of Neanderthal times faced persecution from mammoths that did not approve of the philosophical principles of the Boobist faith. This is a problem that has spanned the entire history of humankind and has affected men and women across the globe.

In August of 1997, Princess Diana was en route to a secret meeting of important Boobists where she was to be honored for her life’s work with the title of Champion of Boobism. This is a title equivalent to that of a Cardinal or other high-ranking positions in the world, and is awarded only to those who commit themselves fully to the Church of Boobism and prove themselves worthy. This was her day, but Prince Charles was never a supporter of boobs or the Church, and he began to resent her very existence. As she was on her way to the meeting, Prince Charles sent several vehicles full of paparazzi assassins after her. His intent was to make her death look like an accident, but the plan backfired and her death was quickly identified as an assassination at the hands of some evil paparazzi/assassin cult, possibly Japanese in decent due to their excessive need to photograph everything. She died at scene and was not able to receive her honorary title. Thus Boobism was foiled again.

The teachings of Boobism have been locked away time and time again by various world and religious leaders throughout history. The goal has been to keep the Church out of the public’s eye so that it could not gain a strong enough following to fulfill its destiny as a universal faith. Pope John Paul II once referred to the ideas of Boobism as “The most detrimental philosophy to the Catholic business model that the world has ever seen.” In a 2005 sermon, Billy Graham called Boobism, “a really stupid and smelly thing that der der derder derd err der.” Following Mr. Graham’s sermon, several thousand audience members threw their hands into the air and cried for no reason.

So why is Boobism such a dangerous belief system? Why has so much effort been put into burying the truth and keeping the philosophy from the masses? The idea of Boobism holds a power that, if unleashed, could evolve the world into its next stage, and would thus render old ideas and philosophies obsolete. If the world were to be united with the belief that boobs are meant to be worshiped, conflicts would end, peace would be reached, and the power mongers that rule the world through fear and lies would be out of business. To them, murder is a necessary tool in keeping this revelation under wraps.

This is to happen no more. The Church of Boobism will soon be erected for all of humankind to gaze at in wonder. The teachings of Boobism will confirm what humankind has always known, and that is that boobies make the world a better place. They are not to be hidden or shamed, for they are providers of life and love. They are Mother Nature at its most basic, and they are all worth living and dying for. They manipulate the world’s decisions and form its opinions. They are the cause of great happiness for those that understand their power and great discomfort for those treacherous ogre-alien, booger-faced terrorists that attempt to deny their worth. Do not let those whom profit on conflict and violence stifle an idea that can bring peace to the world. Boobs and Boobism are here to stay. Worship boobs and see the world united.

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Hierarchy

The Church of Boobism has established a hierarchy for its members that establishes levels within the church. This hierarchy can also be translated to a “real-world” setting, should the world be invaded by several thousand aliens with fart pores on their heads or a plague of zombies that resemble Gilbert Gottfried. This system of advancement and placement is not one in which Boobists strive to donate enough time or money to be noticed and promoted. This system is based on knowledge, understanding, and practice of the principles of Boobism, as well as the continued effort of the individual Boobist to expand his or her knowledge and obtain a state that is as close to perfection as humanly possible. Boobs are not simply tools for entertainment. They are a source of life, knowledge, and strength. So should the Boobist be the same. A Boobist should always strive to be as godly as boobs, but must recognize that it will never be so.

The ranking system of the Church of Boobism is as follows:

Disciple:
The introductory level of Boobism in which the individual labels themselves a Boobist. No further action is needed to achieve this ranking, and Disciples are not required to study or advance themselves in any way. This is a simple acknowledgement of a love for boobs.

Disciple Level II:
Level II Disciples are Boobists that have made an effort to study and understand the teachings of Boobism. They are able to recite well-known stories and tales of Boobism, and have likely motor-boated several different types of boobs in their lifetime. Their understanding of the power of boobage is greater than the run of the mill Disciple.

Professor:
A Professor of Boobs is an individual that has studied the ways of the boob extensively and has an understanding that is greater than Disciples. Professors are able to recite many stories and tales of Boobism, and have the ability to teach introductory lessons of Boobism to non-followers. They are also able to vote on food to include in pot lucks.

Warrior:
Warriors of Boobs have risen above other Boobists and have established themselves as ever-faithful followers of the Church. A Warrior must have an expert understanding of Boobism and must act as a soldier in the event of an invasion of smelly Sasquatches. A Warrior must be equally comfortable wielding a shotgun or a large, wobbly set of knockers. This is the high-ranking muscle of the Church of Boobism, and one is not required to reach this ranking. After all, not everyone is a warrior.

Wizard:
A Wizard of Boobs is the educational counterpart of the Warrior rank. Wizards are in charge of recruitment, promotion, and the distribution of educational materials to the masses. This is also the propaganda wing of the Church. In the event of an emergency or mass-rape apocalypse (or rapeocalypse) Wizards of Boobism are in charge of maintaining contact with allies across the globe and rebuilding the Church, should the disaster leave the world in a state of dismal poop smears.

Champion:
A Champion of Boobs is the High Priest/Priestess of Boobism and is the top-tier of the ranking system. Few Boobists will ever achieve this ranking, and those that reach this milestone are to be admired for their mastery of boobly wooblies and the principles of the Church of Boobism. Champions determine the course of the Church and act as generals in the event of a world disaster such as a massive, crazed mutant nipple or other such atrocity. Champions may also be referred to as Reverend.

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Change Your Perspective

For too long, women have struggled with the issue of body image. What is deemed ideal or acceptable in society is often dictated by what the media shovels forth without due regard for those who are adversely affected. As a result, many women are left feeling inadequate and unattractive. While the Church of Boobism has maintained the viewpoint that all women are acceptable creatures, and that it is the preference of the individual that should reign supreme, the arrogant spittle of popular media has steered the masses towards unrealistic, often impossible goals. While Boobism cannot mend the ways of the world, it can remind its followers that there is value in us all. Certainly, some individuals that roam the Earth are horrid, despicable creatures, but this idea seems to lean more on their personalities and less on their looks. Even a wrinkly, dandruff-ridden, one-legged and one-nostrilled fart salesman can find love if he is kind and has a good sense of humor. An overflowing wallet helps as well, but you get the point. Do not fall prey to the ideals of bullshit television. Do not open your mind to individuals who spend three hours in hair and makeup before telling you about “natural beauty.” Stand firm in the belief that, if you live a healthy and happy life, then you are worthy of being pictured on the cover of Vogue magazine…or at least the back cover of a Ross catalogue. The Church of Boobism has pondered this issue for some time, and we have come up with a list of improvements that could reshape the world and support the idea that beauty is not limited to one shape or size:

1. Build a “Big Titty Depot,” which specializes in clothing and dresses that actually fit over boobs.

2. Tell news and gossip shows to stop worrying about who is hot or not, and focus on MMA and baked goods instead.

3. Tell the Kardashians to fuck off, because it does not happen enough.

4. Look at ten different kinds of boobs each day in order to acclimate yourself to diversity.

5. Compliment yourself…but not in public because you will come across as somewhere between “not well” and “weird Aunt Doris.”

6. Compliment others…just do not do it while licking your lips. There is something infinitely creepy about L.L. Cool J.

7. Feel good about yourself. If you are feeling down, unsure, or inadequate, make a change. It is your life and you should enjoy it.

8. Be kind. Until, of course, someone is unkind to you. Then feel free to piss in their shoes without mercy.

9. Remember that there are a lot of healthy body types, and really only two unhealthy ones. You have a lot of wiggle room

10. Love boobs, for it is the Boobist way. It is our sincere hope that this list assists followers in living their lives with more confidence and compassion. While this is not a solution to the problem, it is a method of evolving into a better you.

Thank you.