Tag: humor

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A Practical Approach

The concepts of Boobism can be translated to life beyond survival, evolution, and philosophical dogmas. It can be applied to virtually every aspect of life, and is thus a powerful tool for bettering oneself and taking life (and happiness) to the next level.

American Football is an excellent example of this. As a player in one of the “skill positions” of football, holding onto the ball is of the utmost importance. A fumble or a dropped pass can result in the loss of the game or being pelted with large, hardened balls of bulldog butt drippings by angry and disheartened fans. This is where a Boobist can thrive.

You must treat the ball as if it were a pair of boobs. Cradle it, use soft hands, and don’t let it touch the ground. Treat the ground as if it is an evil anti-boob lava of doom, waiting for its chance to consume all of the glorious boobies of the world in an insidious craving of hatred. Treat opposing players as if they are boob-pillaging yetis, and keep your sacred leather boob away from them. When catching the ball, stay focused! Treat the ball as if it is the most important bust you have ever seen. Bring it into your chest and secure it. Do not treat the ball like it is an enormous, smelly penis that is spraying a vast amount of sweat through the air as it spirals towards your waiting grasp. This will lead only to dropped passes and awkward moments. Cherish that ball as you would cherish boobs, and bring it home. Remember, the ball must be treated like a set of boobs from the Heavens, not an angry, pungent pile of dicks.

Imagine if Terrell Owens had understood this philosophy. He might have been worth more than a bucket of Lisa Lampanelli’s mustache hairs. In fact, there are a great number of players that have been made up more of ego than talent. Perhaps if they embraced this thought process, they could have proven themselves worthy of their overpriced paychecks.

Disciples may find the principles of Boobism in all aspects of life. Whether it is sports, a zombie holocaust, or simply a trip to the zoo, boobs are all around you, and they can guide you to the Promised Land (or at least various entertaining moments).

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Change Your Perspective

For too long, women have struggled with the issue of body image. What is deemed ideal or acceptable in society is often dictated by what the media shovels forth without due regard for those who are adversely affected. As a result, many women are left feeling inadequate and unattractive. While the Church of Boobism has maintained the viewpoint that all women are acceptable creatures, and that it is the preference of the individual that should reign supreme, the arrogant spittle of popular media has steered the masses towards unrealistic, often impossible goals. While Boobism cannot mend the ways of the world, it can remind its followers that there is value in us all. Certainly, some individuals that roam the Earth are horrid, despicable creatures, but this idea seems to lean more on their personalities and less on their looks. Even a wrinkly, dandruff-ridden, one-legged and one-nostrilled fart salesman can find love if he is kind and has a good sense of humor. An overflowing wallet helps as well, but you get the point. Do not fall prey to the ideals of bullshit television. Do not open your mind to individuals who spend three hours in hair and makeup before telling you about “natural beauty.” Stand firm in the belief that, if you live a healthy and happy life, then you are worthy of being pictured on the cover of Vogue magazine…or at least the back cover of a Ross catalogue. The Church of Boobism has pondered this issue for some time, and we have come up with a list of improvements that could reshape the world and support the idea that beauty is not limited to one shape or size:

1. Build a “Big Titty Depot,” which specializes in clothing and dresses that actually fit over boobs.

2. Tell news and gossip shows to stop worrying about who is hot or not, and focus on MMA and baked goods instead.

3. Tell the Kardashians to fuck off, because it does not happen enough.

4. Look at ten different kinds of boobs each day in order to acclimate yourself to diversity.

5. Compliment yourself…but not in public because you will come across as somewhere between “not well” and “weird Aunt Doris.”

6. Compliment others…just do not do it while licking your lips. There is something infinitely creepy about L.L. Cool J.

7. Feel good about yourself. If you are feeling down, unsure, or inadequate, make a change. It is your life and you should enjoy it.

8. Be kind. Until, of course, someone is unkind to you. Then feel free to piss in their shoes without mercy.

9. Remember that there are a lot of healthy body types, and really only two unhealthy ones. You have a lot of wiggle room

10. Love boobs, for it is the Boobist way. It is our sincere hope that this list assists followers in living their lives with more confidence and compassion. While this is not a solution to the problem, it is a method of evolving into a better you.

Thank you.