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The Tragic Tale of the 5th Beatle

the tragic tale of the fifth member of the beatles

In 1964, the unstoppable force of the Beatles swept across America. It is a period that adults across the world remember to this day, and it is a period that changed the landscape of the music industry forever. What many people don’t know is that the Beatles landed that day with a fifth member, whom they shunned amidst the racial tension and pressures that were so present in the world at the time. Since then, the surviving members have worked tirelessly to eradicate the controversial history of the Beatles and take credit for the work of another. Today, the world will hear the real story of a rock ‘n’ roll visionary and the events that led to his downfall. This is the story of David Sasquatch.

David P Sasquatch was a singer, songwriter, and kazoo player that was born in 1942 in Liverpool, England. His mother, Mildred Sasquatch, was a door to door vacuum salesperson who struggled to make ends meet. His father, Robert Sasquatch, left the family before David was born and spent his life roaming the countryside in solitude. To this day, there is speculation that the father David heard about so often never even existed.

David was a mediocre student, who was kicked out of several private schools for attempting to eat the other children and had to settle for an in-home education led by a wandering gypsy named Nessy Munstar. It was during these troubled years that David began to discover his tremendous gifts as a songwriter. It was not long before David, needing to express himself further, began to sing and play an old left-handed kazoo that he bought from a second-hand store in London. David had truly found his calling.

By 1957, David was touring the London area with his first band, the Bo Daggetts, who played a mix of rock ‘n’ roll and hobnob, a type of popular music with jazz, blues, and sheep-noise influences. Word of mouth was quickly spreading, and the Bo Daggetts soon secured a gig playing with another young band, the Quarrymen, who featured John Lennon and Paul McCartney. The show was an immense success, and Lennon soon asked David to join their ranks in order to strengthen their songwriting and swoon audiences with his silky voice.

George Harrison joined in 1958 as lead guitarist, followed by Lennon’s art school friend Stuart Sutcliffe on bass. By May of 1960, the band had tried several names including Johnny and the Moondogs, Fart Butt, and the Silver Beetles. They adopted the name the Beatles in August of 1960 and recruited drummer Pete Best shortly before a five-engagement residency in Hamburg.

David quickly established himself as the chief songwriter of the group, and took on double duties as the singer and kazoo player. He was praised for his unique voice and approach to the kazoo, and he was the first player to go completely electric. In the early days, he often ended shows with a ten-minute kazoo shred fest, described as both mesmerizing and panty-soaking by critics at the time.

Lennon and McCartney could sense that David was achieving notoriety more quickly than the rest of the band, and their boiling jealousy led them to reveal in subsequent interviews that David was not a man, but a sasquatch. This quickly led to backlash from the public, as longstanding prejudices in western societies led many to question whether sasquatches should be allowed to make music. David’s role in the Beatles was immediately diminished, as the group fought to continue their growth in popularity. David was no longer allowed to sing, and he was forced to stand off stage during their performances. Years later, it was revealed that the crew had also stopped plugging in his kazoo during this time. Things were beginning to fall apart for David Sasquatch.

In 1962, Ringo Starr replaced Pete Best as the drummer, and the band had their first hit with “Love Me Do” later that year. Though the song was written exclusively by David, the band felt that his sasquatch heritage would take away from the song, so he was excluded from songwriting credits. By 1964, Beatlemania had swept across the Atlantic, and the Beatles found themselves in America. Unfortunately, the day when the band landed in America was the last day David was a part of the Beatles. The rest of the band told him they were going to buy cinnamon rolls in the terminal, but they ditched him, leaving him with nothing but his favorite kazoo and a broken heart.

The Beatles went on to have one of the most incredible careers in the history of music, and released many songs that were actually written by David including “Yesterday,” “Here Comes the Sun,” and “Hey Jude” (which originally contained a thirty-three-minute kazoo solo). David was never given credit for his contributions, and he never received any compensation. As a result, he was forced to live in poverty, foraging for food in the woods and remaining a recluse for much of his life.

On December 8th, 1980 David met with Mark David Chapman in an empty Denny’s parking lot and paid him fifty-three dollars to murder John Lennon. Unfortunately for David, his hired hand was a bit looney and hung around the crime scene until the police arrived. The killer was given a life sentence, but not before he gave authorities information that led to a nationwide manhunt for David. The police searched for months, but they were unable to locate the poor sasquatch, who spent the next three decades hiding in various forests across the United States and Canada. In 2010, a lone hiker in Oregon spotted the body of a large primate huddled up next to a tree trunk. The body was badly decomposed, but it was clearly hugging an old, rusty kazoo. When the hiker returned with the police, the body was gone. No trace of David was ever seen again. No one has ever been able to prove the fate of David P Sasquatch, and though his story is a tragic one, it is important to remember his endless contributions to music.

This writer hopes that David P Sasquatch finally found peace and is playing an epic kazoo solo for a bunch of topless angels right now.

-Sir Chase Hooper, 2017

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History Lesson

The faith of Boobism (that is, the philosophy and its beliefs) has been present in human society since we first stood upright and scratched our crotches in contentment. The Church and this site may have a date of birth, but the birth of Boobism occurred the very moment mankind realized the true power of boobs. Everything since then has been an elaborate scheme to please them in one way or another. Every decision, every drive, and every moment has been consciously or subconsciously carried out with the intention of eventually being able to make boobs happy. One fact remains the same as humankind adapts and evolves: Man needs boobs. Humankind needs boobs.

As with most important and life changing developments, the lessons and philosophies of Boobism have been stifled and oppressed by those with power since long before this belief system was ever put into words. Political and religious leaders have done their best to maintain the status quo and uphold a public image of superiority and all-knowing power. Their goal has been to create a world of mindless, droning worker bees that are willing to follow every word that dribbles from their false faces onto the sweaty, hairy belly button of the Earth. This is to happen no more. Never again shall the Church of Boobism be metaphorically molested by the cold, clammy hands of oppression. Never again will it be forced to stand idle while the evil Dr. Government staples its balls to its legs. Never again will it be pinned to the floor by a money-hoarding religious institution that is hungry for innocence and crackers. From now on, Boobism is taking a stand.

In April of 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was scheduled to address the nation in Washington DC regarding a relatively unknown, peaceful philosophy known as Boobism. This was an attempt to further unite a still-divided country with the belief that all men could stand together in the warm, loving sunshine of boobs. With this idea in mind, Lincoln hoped that opposing viewpoints could walk hand in hand across the country with a revamped idea of Manifest Destiny. Unfortunately, Lincoln’s speech was never heard, for as he watched a play that night with his wife, he was assassinated by John Wilkes Boothe. Boothe was a rebel who believed that all boobs should be banished to Greenland and that mashed potatoes and the slavery of blacks and squirrels should be a national policy. Boothe was once quoted as saying that he “would be damned if some tall-hatted beard face was going to ruin his country with breasticulation.” As Lincoln laid there, blood spewing from his head wound, he clutched his wife’s left breast and whispered, “Do not let Boobism be forgotten.” Of course, she had a very poor memory when she was drunk, and his last words were never followed.

Lincoln was not the only President of the United States that paid for his belief in the wonderful Church of Boobism. John F Kennedy was perhaps the greatest Boobist of the 1950’s and 1960’s until he was shot down by thirteen anti-Boobist assassins in Dallas, Texas in 1963. Led by Lee Harvey Oswald, The Wiener Brigade was a militia created by the former Communist turned anti-boob madman Oswald with the sole mission of destroying the advance of Boobism and Western ideals. As Kennedy’s motorcade advanced through Dealey Plaza, Oswald and twelve other members of The Wiener Brigade opened fire on President Kennedy. Fortunately for the President, Oswald’s militia was heavily underfunded and most of its members were armed with tree branches and used sugar packets. Unfortunately, the President’s brains still ended up on the back of his vehicle and the faith of Boobism was stifled again.

The Oklahoma City Bombing, The People’s Temple, the Vietnam War, the Twilight movies…all events committed with the intention of oppressing the Church of Boobism and the rise of its disciples. Even the Boobists of Neanderthal times faced persecution from mammoths that did not approve of the philosophical principles of the Boobist faith. This is a problem that has spanned the entire history of humankind and has affected men and women across the globe.

In August of 1997, Princess Diana was en route to a secret meeting of important Boobists where she was to be honored for her life’s work with the title of Champion of Boobism. This is a title equivalent to that of a Cardinal or other high-ranking positions in the world, and is awarded only to those who commit themselves fully to the Church of Boobism and prove themselves worthy. This was her day, but Prince Charles was never a supporter of boobs or the Church, and he began to resent her very existence. As she was on her way to the meeting, Prince Charles sent several vehicles full of paparazzi assassins after her. His intent was to make her death look like an accident, but the plan backfired and her death was quickly identified as an assassination at the hands of some evil paparazzi/assassin cult, possibly Japanese in decent due to their excessive need to photograph everything. She died at scene and was not able to receive her honorary title. Thus Boobism was foiled again.

The teachings of Boobism have been locked away time and time again by various world and religious leaders throughout history. The goal has been to keep the Church out of the public’s eye so that it could not gain a strong enough following to fulfill its destiny as a universal faith. Pope John Paul II once referred to the ideas of Boobism as “The most detrimental philosophy to the Catholic business model that the world has ever seen.” In a 2005 sermon, Billy Graham called Boobism, “a really stupid and smelly thing that der der derder derd err der.” Following Mr. Graham’s sermon, several thousand audience members threw their hands into the air and cried for no reason.

So why is Boobism such a dangerous belief system? Why has so much effort been put into burying the truth and keeping the philosophy from the masses? The idea of Boobism holds a power that, if unleashed, could evolve the world into its next stage, and would thus render old ideas and philosophies obsolete. If the world were to be united with the belief that boobs are meant to be worshiped, conflicts would end, peace would be reached, and the power mongers that rule the world through fear and lies would be out of business. To them, murder is a necessary tool in keeping this revelation under wraps.

This is to happen no more. The Church of Boobism will soon be erected for all of humankind to gaze at in wonder. The teachings of Boobism will confirm what humankind has always known, and that is that boobies make the world a better place. They are not to be hidden or shamed, for they are providers of life and love. They are Mother Nature at its most basic, and they are all worth living and dying for. They manipulate the world’s decisions and form its opinions. They are the cause of great happiness for those that understand their power and great discomfort for those treacherous ogre-alien, booger-faced terrorists that attempt to deny their worth. Do not let those whom profit on conflict and violence stifle an idea that can bring peace to the world. Boobs and Boobism are here to stay. Worship boobs and see the world united.

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Hierarchy

The Church of Boobism has established a hierarchy for its members that establishes levels within the church. This hierarchy can also be translated to a “real-world” setting, should the world be invaded by several thousand aliens with fart pores on their heads or a plague of zombies that resemble Gilbert Gottfried. This system of advancement and placement is not one in which Boobists strive to donate enough time or money to be noticed and promoted. This system is based on knowledge, understanding, and practice of the principles of Boobism, as well as the continued effort of the individual Boobist to expand his or her knowledge and obtain a state that is as close to perfection as humanly possible. Boobs are not simply tools for entertainment. They are a source of life, knowledge, and strength. So should the Boobist be the same. A Boobist should always strive to be as godly as boobs, but must recognize that it will never be so.

The ranking system of the Church of Boobism is as follows:

Disciple:
The introductory level of Boobism in which the individual labels themselves a Boobist. No further action is needed to achieve this ranking, and Disciples are not required to study or advance themselves in any way. This is a simple acknowledgement of a love for boobs.

Disciple Level II:
Level II Disciples are Boobists that have made an effort to study and understand the teachings of Boobism. They are able to recite well-known stories and tales of Boobism, and have likely motor-boated several different types of boobs in their lifetime. Their understanding of the power of boobage is greater than the run of the mill Disciple.

Professor:
A Professor of Boobs is an individual that has studied the ways of the boob extensively and has an understanding that is greater than Disciples. Professors are able to recite many stories and tales of Boobism, and have the ability to teach introductory lessons of Boobism to non-followers. They are also able to vote on food to include in pot lucks.

Warrior:
Warriors of Boobs have risen above other Boobists and have established themselves as ever-faithful followers of the Church. A Warrior must have an expert understanding of Boobism and must act as a soldier in the event of an invasion of smelly Sasquatches. A Warrior must be equally comfortable wielding a shotgun or a large, wobbly set of knockers. This is the high-ranking muscle of the Church of Boobism, and one is not required to reach this ranking. After all, not everyone is a warrior.

Wizard:
A Wizard of Boobs is the educational counterpart of the Warrior rank. Wizards are in charge of recruitment, promotion, and the distribution of educational materials to the masses. This is also the propaganda wing of the Church. In the event of an emergency or mass-rape apocalypse (or rapeocalypse) Wizards of Boobism are in charge of maintaining contact with allies across the globe and rebuilding the Church, should the disaster leave the world in a state of dismal poop smears.

Champion:
A Champion of Boobs is the High Priest/Priestess of Boobism and is the top-tier of the ranking system. Few Boobists will ever achieve this ranking, and those that reach this milestone are to be admired for their mastery of boobly wooblies and the principles of the Church of Boobism. Champions determine the course of the Church and act as generals in the event of a world disaster such as a massive, crazed mutant nipple or other such atrocity. Champions may also be referred to as Reverend.

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Change Your Perspective

For too long, women have struggled with the issue of body image. What is deemed ideal or acceptable in society is often dictated by what the media shovels forth without due regard for those who are adversely affected. As a result, many women are left feeling inadequate and unattractive. While the Church of Boobism has maintained the viewpoint that all women are acceptable creatures, and that it is the preference of the individual that should reign supreme, the arrogant spittle of popular media has steered the masses towards unrealistic, often impossible goals. While Boobism cannot mend the ways of the world, it can remind its followers that there is value in us all. Certainly, some individuals that roam the Earth are horrid, despicable creatures, but this idea seems to lean more on their personalities and less on their looks. Even a wrinkly, dandruff-ridden, one-legged and one-nostrilled fart salesman can find love if he is kind and has a good sense of humor. An overflowing wallet helps as well, but you get the point. Do not fall prey to the ideals of bullshit television. Do not open your mind to individuals who spend three hours in hair and makeup before telling you about “natural beauty.” Stand firm in the belief that, if you live a healthy and happy life, then you are worthy of being pictured on the cover of Vogue magazine…or at least the back cover of a Ross catalogue. The Church of Boobism has pondered this issue for some time, and we have come up with a list of improvements that could reshape the world and support the idea that beauty is not limited to one shape or size:

1. Build a “Big Titty Depot,” which specializes in clothing and dresses that actually fit over boobs.

2. Tell news and gossip shows to stop worrying about who is hot or not, and focus on MMA and baked goods instead.

3. Tell the Kardashians to fuck off, because it does not happen enough.

4. Look at ten different kinds of boobs each day in order to acclimate yourself to diversity.

5. Compliment yourself…but not in public because you will come across as somewhere between “not well” and “weird Aunt Doris.”

6. Compliment others…just do not do it while licking your lips. There is something infinitely creepy about L.L. Cool J.

7. Feel good about yourself. If you are feeling down, unsure, or inadequate, make a change. It is your life and you should enjoy it.

8. Be kind. Until, of course, someone is unkind to you. Then feel free to piss in their shoes without mercy.

9. Remember that there are a lot of healthy body types, and really only two unhealthy ones. You have a lot of wiggle room

10. Love boobs, for it is the Boobist way. It is our sincere hope that this list assists followers in living their lives with more confidence and compassion. While this is not a solution to the problem, it is a method of evolving into a better you.

Thank you.